Why should my daughter be responsible for your son’s thoughts?

family, Girlpower, Health, life, Parenting, Pop Culture

I’m tired of people telling girls how they shouldn’t dress, how they shouldn’t dance, how they shouldn’t talk, how they shouldn’t wear their makeup, how they shouldn’t BE.

STOP! Enough with the shaming and blaming and lecturing. It’s time to accept that girls are not pretty playthings out to destroy boys and lead them down the path of wickedness. They are intelligent, strong, beautiful creatures made in God’s image and should be treated with respect. Even if you don’t like what they’re wearing.

Two occurrences brought about this post: a sermon and a viral blog post. I moved the first event to the back of my mind, but when the second happened, I knew I had to say something. Here’s that something.

The last time I wanted to get up in the middle of a church sermon and walk out, a preacher was talking politics. This time a pastor was discussing modesty.

“Girls, if it causes a guy, when he looks at you, not to be able to think about Jesus, then you probably have made the wrong decision.” And he went on to say that he didn’t mean only in church, and said no telling how many guys have made bad grades.

My brain and my heart were all, “Say what?!” I kept waiting for him to say something about boys controlling their thoughts. Or respecting girls no matter what. And I kept waiting. And waiting. And I’m still waiting.

I was so disheartened and shocked that I tuned out the rest of the sermon. I just kept thinking, “Boys have no responsibility for taking their minds off Jesus? Girls are to blame? That’s not right!” I scribbled furiously on the bulletin. And I was so upset that I called my mom and railed to her as soon as church was out.

Then this week a blog post made the rounds via social media, (and, no, I’m not linking to it) in which a mom of boys told girls who post “sexy” selfies that they cause her sons to look at them in a sexual way, and therefore, they are not good enough for her sons.

My daughter takes dance classes. She wears shorts and a sports bra to some of them. If your son sees her walk from the studio door to my vehicle and then has naughty thoughts, who’s fault is that? Not my daughter’s, that’s for sure.

Why are we teaching girls to shoulder the blame for how boys think?

Soon folks will be telling girls it’s their fault they were sexually harassed or abused or raped. Oh, wait … THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENING!

Do you think a boy has sexual thoughts only when he sees a girl’s shoulders? Or midriff or thighs? Really? A stiff breeze caused my high school male friends to have those thoughts. And sexual thoughts at this age are normal.

Teach your sons to NOT think of girls as sexual objects. Why not teach boys to RESPECT girls no matter what they wear? Or don’t wear? (I bet boys are quite capable of understanding this. They are smart, strong, beautiful creatures made in God’s image, too.)

I’m teaching my daughter to dress appropriately for the occasion (though she won’t always listen, so don’t shame her for it). I’m teaching her to not judge others for what they wear, have, or look like. And that nothing you post on the internet is truly private. But I’m not freaking out when she wants to wear a strapless dress out to dinner. Or a two-piece to the pool. Or when she does a stupid duckface selfie in her pajamas, with no bra. Or when she sees your shirtless son on the track and thinks he’s “hot.” I’m teaching her that sexual thoughts are normal, and I’m teaching her how to handle them.

Here’s a terrific post – Seeing A Woman – to help you do the same for your sons.

Comments? Please leave one.

62 thoughts on “Why should my daughter be responsible for your son’s thoughts?”

  3. Wonderful article, Tiffani. You should print out copies and post them on the bulletin boards of all the fundamentalist churches in the area. (AnnMarie posted a link to this article on Facebook.)

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  4. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve read that other article you didn’t link to and many others like it and they make my blood boil! As a mother of an only son, I have tried to raise him with the perspective of the blog that you did link to. I have to say it has not been easy to make the message meaningful in a world where the pervasive message is “girls need to cover up.” I’ve also tried to mentor young woman from the perspective you shared. In fact I forwarded your blog to one in particular. Again, I can’t thank you enough for being a voice of truth.

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  5. I 100% agree. I’m raising a son. I’m raising him to respect EVERYONE no matter what they look like or choose to wear. I also work with kids and help them to become aware of their thinking so they can choose the thoughts that support and empower. Thanks for writing this.

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  6. Males are 70% stimulated by the visual form of the female. That is just natural and normal. The difference between civilized humans and barbarians are that civilized humans treat each other with respect, even if they are sexually attracted to one another. Women are not things to be used. They are meant to be loved, nurtured, treasured. I have three sons and I have taught them that to deserve the love of a good woman they have to be a good man. And a good man is loving, respectful, caring, and realizes that if he brings his best to a relationship, he will get more from the relationship than he could’ve ever imagined.

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  7. As a mother of 3 girls, and a high school teacher…..it is both! Teenage girls need to be modest as do all women. When girls clothes are entirely too tight, revealing, short, etc and their actions are too risque and provocative, they are in the wrong. Tempting teenage boys and steering their thoughts down the wrong path IS their fault. They need to be taught to act and dress lady-like not whore-like. At the same time, teenage boys need to be taught to respect girls. They need to be taught to “find” or “look for” the correct type of girl. They need to be taught to avoid those girls that make bad choices. AND equally so, teenage boys need to be taught to dress and act correctly. Teenage boys that walk around with their underwear and private parts exposed because their pants hang low and unbutton their shirts so their chests show, are also dressing incorrectly and need to be taught that is disrespectful to themselves and to others. It should be a balance of respecting yourself and respecting others. What you wear, what you say, what you do….should be respectful to yourself and to others. That is what teenagers (boys or girls) need to be taught. It takes 2 to tango and it takes 2 to cause sexual interest. Both must be taught to be appropriate.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. A couple of points: What you consider modest and what I consider modest are very likely different, and you don’t decide what is right or wrong for my daughter.

      Next, I doubt that most girls who wear what you call “provocative” clothing are trying to “tempt” boys. And, again, boys are in control of their own thoughts. Girls do not “steer” boys’ minds anywhere. Continually blaming girls for boys’ thoughts and actions is wrong.

      Finally, you can’t stop teens’ sexual interest in one another by covering it up … literally or figuratively. We have to teach them how to appropriately deal with their feelings without blaming or shaming.

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    2. “They need to be taught to “find” or “look for” the correct type of girl. They need to be taught to avoid those girls that make bad choices” This is the worst statement ever made to young boys/men. You are basically telling people to judge others based on their outward appearance?! Your also teaching them that they are not responsible for their own actions, we are ALL responsible for what we do and our actions, regardless of what other people do! The focus to EVERY teenager, boy or girl, should be on the heart! Love, grace, understanding, forgiveness, excellence, to be more Christ like, if these were the things we were making important to our children then this ridiculous issue of modesty would not be the problem it is in churches/Christians today. Let me also point out that young people in churches have more of an unhealthy issue with this than others, who have not had it shoved in their face as the focus of life and who they should or shouldn’t “look” at! To teach young men/boys to look for young women/wife material, based on their outward appearance is simply foolish. Just because a women dresses appropriately doesn’t necessarily tell you where her heart is… She could be bitter, self righteous, judgmental, unwilling to forgive, grow, nurture…. Fellas, learn the hearts of young women, even if they dress like a “whore”, she could be the best thing that ever happened to you! P.s. I have two boys, and if one day they bring a young lady home who is wearing a crop top and way to short of a skirt… I’m going to hug her, sit down and enjoy a cup of tea with her and find out where her heart is!

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  9. Thank you for posting this. As a mother who recently had the girl article posted by a friend of boys, this is refreshing. Her oldest son and my daughter have a baby together. I got the feeling she was saying that this was only my daughters fault. The fact of the matter is my daughter is a good student, dresses approprietly, but was hounded and hounded by this boy to have sex. Yes she could have told him no and yes they used protection, but it didn’t work. He continues to have sex with other girls, and from what I am told 3 others the same time he and my daughter had a relationship. So while girls aren’t all innocent all the time.. take a long hard look at your boys. Like my mom always told me.. Boys have two brains, one in their head and one in their pants.

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  10. I too was so disgusted about that post. I agree with you boys need to be thought how to respect girls and themselves. That mom obviously had no daughters. I have too and teach them to respect themselves but like you said they will one day post selfies of themselves sick of hearing about boys and their thoughts, desires etc. us as moms should teach our kids to be respectful and nice to others that’s all.

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  11. I disagree with TiffanysMom’s comment “it takes 2 to cause sexual interest” – in my opinion this is so not true. Boys/men experience sexual interest in women regardless of how much/how little they wear, what they say/don’t say or do/don’t do. I would bet that the percentage of women that have NOT been on the receiving end of unwanted male attention is very small.

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  13. 1. I love you. Love you, love you, love you.

    2. If the moral majority is insisting that men cannot be held responsible for their actions when tempted by women, then the logical conclusion is that men are not smart enough to control their own thoughts/actions and should immediately be relieved of all of their positions of power, allowing women, their clearly natural superiors by merit of their own admission, to take over. But I bet they would say that’s absurd. I say it’s ironic.

    Very well-stated, Tiff. Rock on, my friend.

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  14. Regarding the oft-repeated opinion about men being visually stimulated by female bodies…

    Women/girls are *very* stimulated by male bodies. Why do you think they have posters and book covers and so on featuring male bodies (not just their faces!)?

    This whole trope about men being visual simply denies the fact that girls have a very strong sex drive too. This is part of the larger narrative about women not being interested in sex, and men are only interested in sex (both sides of that coin are very damaging).

    All those boy-crazy middle school girls? Yeah, they’re being visually stimulated by their classmates. They get distracted just as much as the boys do.

    It’s time to admit that girls are sexual beings, and it’s time for everyone to take responsibility for how they respect (or don’t) each other. She’s responsible for respecting herself enough to say no when she means no and yes when she means yes. She’s responsible for acting with compassion and empathy when talking to a boy who might be interested in her. She’s responsible for choosing boys who are worthy of her attentions. But no, my girl is not responsible for your boy’s thoughts.

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  15. I agree with you completely but I think the problem of modesty in young women is more a problem of motivation. If you’re young woman is wearing short shorts because she does a aerobics that’s appropriate dress for her aerobics, then that’s fine. However if you’re young woman is wearing short shorts solely because she obtained her sense of worth and value from how provocative she is to men, then that’s a problem.I think the problem is both the boys need to be responsible for their thoughts and girls need to be responsible for their motivations.

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  16. Ha, I’ve said the same thing many times myself, Mari! Why should people who are so weak-minded be allowed any responsibility over anything at all? The fact of the matter is, men aren’t weak-minded pawns to their desires. But when you expect little of people, they’ll deliver on those expectations.

    Also, quite frankly, if covering up caused men to respect women, well, wouldn’t Afghanistan be the best place in the world for women? The fact of the matter is, when you tell men that their bad behavior is women’s fault, they’ll stop taking all responsibility for their actions. YOU, and you ALONE, are responsible for your actions. I can’t even count how many men I see, both in T-shirts and in business shirts, whose nipples you can clearly see through their shirts. It doesn’t make me suddenly want to assault them.

    It does, however, make me angry that no matter how hot and humid it is outside, and no matter what type of exercise I may be engaging in, it would NEVER be acceptable for me to take so little care with how I dress. So much as a bra strap out of place and I’d be labeled the Whore of Babylon. I also tend to have pretty sensitive skin and have large breasts, so I need bras with pretty wide straps, which are hard to hide. And sensitive skin means that sometimes lower-cut shirts ARE more comfortable, since the skin on my breasts (and I would assume most women’s) is more sensitive than most. There’s been many a day when I’ve worn a high-cut shirt and had rashes all over my collarbone area by noon. And then I need to also find clothing that’s basically a giant sack cloth, lest my large breasts offend someone and get me kicked off an airplane or something. I’m not a super observant or detail-oriented person, so it is actually REALLY difficult for me to pick myself apart every morning before I leave to make sure I’m not unwittingly breaking some Lady Clothing Code that will make it de facto legal to rape me. But I also have to be sure not to dress too prudishly or whatever, because then I’ll get harassed for being ugly or frumpy. We just can’t win as girls and women. All I want is to be a human being, like men are allowed to be.

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  17. Dear women,

    You made this your problem when you started complaining about our boys’ behavior. When a 15-year-old girl wears a skirt, it’s hard for a hetero boy to focus in class. Hell, I’m 30 years old, and I still get distracted by a hot girl. You think a 15-year-old boy, who has twice my testosterone and half my wisdom, stands a chance? Hell no. That’s the biological reality of the male sex drive.

    But hey! Men are problem solvers. So when you said, “boys need to focus more in class,” we came up with a solution: less revealing clothing for girls. Which, for the record, is a far easier solution than “let’s change how boys think!”

    And now you’re complaining that we’re telling your daughters how to dress, and that “your daughter shouldn’t be responsible for my son’s thoughts.” Well guess what, girls have power over boys. And boys have power over girls. You want all the benefits of wielding female sexual power (free drinks in bars, etc.) with none of the responsibilities that come with it (suffering the attention of interested males when you wear revealing clothes.) That’s childish.

    You don’t like our solution? Fine, come up with your own solution to male classroom underachievement. Just quit bitching, good grief.

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    1. “But hey! Men are problem solvers. So when you said, “boys need to focus more in class,” we came up with a solution: less revealing clothing for girls. Which, for the record, is a far easier solution than “let’s change how boys think!””

      OMG. Where to start?

      Situation: I’m a female high school student. It is my responsibility to focus in class in order to pass/do well in school. Problem: I’m having trouble focusing due to various distractions and other factors. Let’s see if I can come up with some solutions (other than the obvious – control my own actions and fulfill my own responsibilities).

      Problem focusing due to lack of adequate sleep. Proposed solution: get the school districts to change the start of the school day from 9am to 12noon instead, so I can stay up late and sleep late.

      Distracted during class due to being surrounded by hot guys whose pants are falling down around their asses because it’s the “fashion”. Proposed solution: get the guys to dress more modestly because it is their fault for being so hot and dressing like man whores that I am distracted.

      Problem: some jackass made a totally stupid and illogical comment in class that makes me so mad I want to hit him. Proposed solution: ship that asshat off to a third world country where he loses his free speech so that I can enjoy my God-given right to be free from distractions that cause me to stop focusing on my responsibilities.

      See where I’m going?

      It is, in fact, possible to change how you think. Sure the male (or female) sex drive has its own urges, but what sets us apart (I hope) from base animals is that we have Reason, and therefore the ability to control our behaviour and not act on every urge that surges through our nervous systems.

      And there have been studies that show that it doesn’t matter how modestly women dress – the male sexual brain will still be distracted. “Among the distractions that they identified were when girls wear purse straps across our chests, when girls reach for things, girls standing with good posture, when we wear tights, when we don’t wear tights, etc. The list was impossible to follow without being in burqas. There’s got to be a better solution.”

      So sure, I propose a better solution: FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK AND DON’T BLAME ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE FOR YOUR LACK OF FOCUS. Your responsibility is your responsibility and blaming something else for not fulfilling it is just childish.

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  18. You were so upset by his sermon that you sat patiently and waited for it to finish, saying nothing, and then went online to blog about it, affecting no one in the original situation, effectively solving nothing at all.

    Next time, just stand up and say something!

    Saying things after the fact literally does nothing to help this cause.

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    1. Yes, I sat in disbelief for the final 10 minutes of the sermon back in the spring at a church I had visited occasionally.

      I could have searched out the pastor after the service and told him I was offended by his remarks.

      Thanks for calling me out.

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  19. @Will:

    Male classroom underachievement is bullshit, as is blaming it on women’s clothing. And it’s not just in class that this is a problem, it’s all over society. It’s the root of that bullshit line of thinking, “she was dressed like a slut, so she was asking to be raped.” NO! Women are not responsible for what goes on in men’s minds, just as we are not responsible for what goes on in theirs. The solution is to stop teaching our children (of both sexes) that women have no value outside of being a sex object.

    @Tiffani

    Sitting idly by and allowing the sermon to continue without speaking up makes you an accessory to this message. Someone is pushing a message that is sexist and wrong, and the fact that nobody stood up and said, “this is bullshit” reaffirmed the message.

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    1. As I mentioned above, you’re right. I sat in disbelief for the final few minutes of the service. This is a church I visited on occasion.

      There’s no way I would have stood up during the service and yelled at him, though. That would’ve been disrespectful to the rest of the congregation. I could have searched out the pastor afterward and told him I was offended by his remarks.

      I appreciate the call out.

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      1. I cannot REMEMBER the last time anyone, ANYONE stood up and opposed the pastor in church. SHAME ON YOU for call ing Tiffani an accessory. Shameful.

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  20. Will, you’re an absolute ninny.

    Don’t address “women” as though we are somehow one entity with one opinion.

    Congrats on the straw man argument, let’s hope you never reproduce.

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  21. “FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK AND DON’T BLAME ANYTHING OR ANYONE ELSE FOR YOUR LACK OF FOCUS. Your responsibility is your responsibility and blaming something else for not fulfilling it is just childish.”

    Following that logic, why don’t we have strippers hang out in classrooms?

    Little Bobby can’t focus with a pair of tits bouncing in his face?

    I think we all can agree that that’s stupid and would negatively impact the class. But that’s just an extreme example of what’s going on already.

    You know how your peers dress. I was in high school once too. Girls sexualized the fuck out of themselves. And it worked! We boys paid attention.

    What’s retarded about this situation is that the WOMEN chose how they dressed, yet want to DIVEST that choice from the results of it. In short, women want girls to be able to wear whatever, and then put 100% responsibility on the boys for controlling themselves.

    What I’m saying is, it’s a two-way street, sweetheart. Sure we’re responsible for controlling ourselves. But you’re also responsible for how you present yourself. Show yourself in a sexualized way and you’ll get a sexualized reaction.

    Again, why not have strippers in classrooms? When you take sexualized appearance and behavior to the extreme, that’s what you get. And EVERYONE agrees that that would be highly stupid to have in a classroom. Where do you draw the line?

    i’m in favor of freedom. Wear whatever the hell you want. But if you CHOOSE to dress sexually, then you can’t complain when men react to those signals.

    RESPONSIBILITY = CHOICE. You don’t like the results, make a different choice. That’s what adults do.

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    1. “In short, women want girls to be able to wear whatever, and then put 100% responsibility on the boys for controlling themselves.”

      Exactly. The way a person–male or female–dresses should not automatically make them a sex object. The choice to see something as sexual is a choice made by the beholder. And the person making that choice is responsible for those choices.

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    2. Will, I don’t know that you’re getting it. Yes, responsibility = choice. But your “solution” that men came up with (girls should dress more modestly) is negating female choice. You say women should wear whatever they want, but that they shouldn’t complain when men react to those signals. The “men react” part is the “surely we’re better than base animals” point I was making. Men will react, sure, women will too if men dress sexually. But the point is that neither gender should blame the other for how they CHOOSE to act on their animal urges when presented with distractions. I see a hot guy dressed like a man whore, I may get distracted but I certainly don’t think it’s my place to tell him to dress differently because it’s his fault for distracting me with his lack of clothing – I buck up and focus my brain where it should be focused. As a human being I’m fortunate to have that kind of brain power should I choose to exercise it. It *is* the 100% responsibility of boys (and girls!) to control themselves. Rape is a crime. Sexual harassment is wrong. Assault is wrong. Just because another being dresses in a way that causes someone else to react sexually does not make it okay to commit a crime. I think Gerard Butler is sexy as hell – and he’s showing of his naked body on screen. Damn him for being so provocative! But that does not make it okay for me to go stalk him. Even though it’s all his fault. He should stop doing P90X because he’s just getting too hot and it’s distracting too many females out there.

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  22. Wait wait wait wait wait… men can magically control their thoughts now? How is the end of this post not the exact same thing the beginning was bitching about?

    I’m sorry, but if I see a sexy girl dressed sexy, I will think she is sexy. That is not within my control, I assure you.

    I too don’t agree with this puritanical bullshit, but throwing the responsibility squarely on men to just “not feel anything” is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like if I punched somebody in the face and told them it was their fault because they chose to feel the pain.

    How about this, women shouldn’t be disrespected for how they dress, and men shouldn’t be disrespected for having sexy thoughts. Last I checked, sex is still a fun, loving, intimate thing to do. I don’t think sexy thoughts are going to blow up the Universe.

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    1. Huh. I don’t see where I said that boys shouldn’t feel anything. In fact, I wrote that sexual thoughts are normal.

      I’m teaching her that sexual thoughts are normal, and I’m teaching her how to handle them.

      I DID write that boys should be taught not to treat girls as sexual “objects.” My point was that girls are not responsible for what boys think.

      How about this, women shouldn’t be disrespected for how they dress, and men shouldn’t be disrespected for having sexy thoughts. Last I checked, sex is still a fun, loving, intimate thing to do. I don’t think sexy thoughts are going to blow up the Universe.

      I think we might be saying the same thing here. Maybe?

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    2. I’m really tired of men taking “don’t sexually objectify women” to mean “stop thinking women are sexy.” It distorts the issue.

      Go ahead and think all the sexy thoughts you want to about a woman you see dressed in something sexy (or not sexy, whatever floats your boat). NO ONE IS SAYING YOU CAN’T, OR THAT YOU SHOULDN’T. But what you should not do is:

      1.) Shame that woman (or girl) or assume she’s loose/asking for it/just wanting attention because of what she wears;

      2.) Blame her for poisoning your pure mind with sexy thoughts and use her attire as justification for any consequent actions you may take (coming on to her, invading her space, making her uncomfortable, assaulting her, inadvertently driving into a ditch because she distracted you with her sexiness);

      3.) Attach moral worth to her (or intelligence) based on her attire/cup size/skirt length/other arbitrary and useless measurements

      Appreciate sexiness! THAT IS OKAY. But also understand, at the same time, that the woman you’re thinking of as sexy, or the woman whom you may not consider to be so but is dressed in “sexy” clothing, is a human being with an identity, agency, and rights all her own, that she does not exist for your sexual gratification, that her moral worth is not related to the length of her skirt, that she owes you nothing in the way of her time, attention, or consideration, and that YOU are responsible for your attitudes and actions regarding her. She didn’t put those thoughts in your head, and she didn’t use her evil female superpowers to compel you to think or behave inappropriately. Sure, you may automatically think “Sexy!” when you see her, and that’s fine, but thinking “she looks like a sl&t in that miniskirt, so I don’t have to treat her with respect” is *all* on you.

      Recognizing all of these things is not the equivalent of prohibiting sexual thoughts. You can have sexual thoughts and still be respectful of a woman’s identity and autonomy. What is also not the equivalent: asking men to behave like rational creatures capable of controlling themselves and exercising basic logic.

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  23. My adolescent years were spent as a member of the Order of DeMolay (think of them as the Junior Masons). One of their precepts are respect for womanhood and it has stuck with me throughout my life. Granted, it doesn’t stop me from having sexual thoughts or fantasies But it did teach me that females are not meat toys used solely for gratification and that their only purpose is to be ogled and pawed. I think a lot of boys could use that sort of reinforcement in their teenage years.

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  24. If I made faulty assumptions, please forgive me. I found this article through a string of articles insisting that all men are evil sexist pigs. So I was probably looking for faults.

    I kept waiting for him to say something about boys controlling their thoughts.

    Teach your sons to NOT think of girls as sexual objects. Why not teach boys to RESPECT girls no matter what they wear? Or don’t wear?

    These two parts looked to me like you implying that men should control themselves from thinking women wearing sexy clothes are sexy. Furthermore, I thought you were implying that if I man sees a woman in sexy clothing and he thinks she is sexy, that he is somehow disrespecting her.

    I also assumed, although I see now that you never really said this outright, that the point was that women are absolved of any responsibility of men thinking they’re sexy and that it is just on men to stop themselves.

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  26. Will, I think you should move to a Muslim based country. Your views will fit right in there. Let’s just cover up all the women and the problem goes away – not! Your version of what is sexual and mine can be two different things. What women wear does NOT matter.

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  27. Everyone is responsible for being their best self. I like what Ellen said: to deserve the love of a good woman [or man] they have to be a good man [or woman].

    “Good” is subjective, as are things like modesty and fashion. But in general, the character of a good person involves things like respect, compassion, self-esteem, responsibility, adaptability, forgiveness, maturity, and tolerance.

    This is not a black and white issue; wearing a full burka or going fully nude. I know men and women that are aroused by everything from intelligence, feet, curly hair, collarbones, sense of humor, arms, glasses, smile, shoulders, etc. When deciding on a dress code, there is no perfect solution to completely stifle sexual interest.

    We all have to figure out a good middle ground of situational appropriateness, but we all can absolutely control how we deal with our sexual urges. Nobody has power over your behavior, but you. It is your responsibility to treat someone like a human being regardless of what they are wearing.

    Nobody is trying to change how boys think or feel, they are trying to change the way they’ve commonly reacted/behaved if they find themselves lusting after a girl. Is it okay to think naughty things? Of course. Is it okay to be disrespectful, aggressive, rude, leering or abusive toward her because of her clothing choice? Never, and that goes for everyone.

    To Will: I’m not sure if you’re intentionally trolling or actually that misogynistic, but your arguments are poor and your thought process is the heart of the problem here (the problem being the shaming and negative treatment of young women).

    When a 15-year-old of either sex is attracted to a classmate, it is easy for them to get distracted in class (regardless of the fashion trends that person is wearing). You can’t put the blame women for dressing attractively while men apparently can’t control their biology? It’s also biologically natural for animals to want to be attractive to the opposite sex. Yes, we are animals BUT we also have elevated self- and social-consciousness that allows us to be in control of our behavior and choose the way we treat each other. Even though people put on clothes, our bodies are not shameful and shouldn’t be treated that way,

    “Men are problem solvers.” No, HUMANS are problem solvers and the “solution” of covering the female body doesn’t work. Look into rape statistics in countries where women are covered from head to toe.

    “Why don’t we have strippers hang out in classrooms?” I won’t even take that seriously, because its obviously ridiculous to suggest that a girl wearing a skirt to class is the same as adult entertainment or naked breasts being incorporated into the education of minors. Just as ridiculous as the idea that a woman wearing something like yoga pants is just as hard to ignore as literal assault (punching someone in the face).

    This isn’t men vs. women; we aren’t that different. Sexuality is natural in all young people and it’s important to not shame them about it, but rather teach them how to handle it in a healthy way.

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  28. Whoa… and I thought I missed the point.

    How about this, women shouldn’t be disrespected for how they dress, and men shouldn’t be disrespected for having sexy thoughts.

    That was from my post. I do, in fact, think women should be able to wear whatever they like. I do not, however, think that men are somehow wrong or evil for thinking a girl looks sexy when she is wearing sexy clothing.

    I’ve been a feminist (humanist is probably better label for me) since long before it was cool. The reason I get so angry is because a large, popular minority of today’s feminists are really mysandrists. They have lost all grasp of the original intention of the movement.

    Thank for making me feel better about my own jumping to conclusions though. 😉

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    1. @Michael

      Are you saying I missed your point? Or are you saying that you thought you missed my point, but now see that you didn’t?

      I know that quote was from your first comment and I also noted in my previous comment to you that I thought we were mostly saying the same things: sexual thoughts are normal and each person is responsible for his or her own thoughts.

      Ahh, sometimes it’s hard to decipher meanings through blogs and comments, isn’t it? 🙂

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  30. Bah, I don’t know what is going on. I see comments appearing out of nowhere when they weren’t originally there. This has turned into an awkward foot in mouth affair. I think I’m just going to go back to my cave now.

    I will leave with one final thought though. All these arguments about video games, facebook pictures and who does or doesn’t hit on you at a bar are nothing more than distractions. This makes my heart hurt more than anything that has ever happened to me personally. And it is not some strange, isolated case. These are the real problems in the world. Wtf cares what somebody wears out to the club?

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  31. And yes Tiffani, I was mistakenly responding to Jen. I think we were on the same page more or less. Communication through comments can be a bit… lacking.

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  32. This isn’t very clear:

    “They are intelligent, strong, beautiful creatures made in God’s image and should be treated with respect. Even if you don’t like what they’re wearing.”

    Which of the over 200,000 deities of human invention is being described, here? I’ve never seen a woman who looked like Ganesh, and that could’ve been amusing. A friend of mine shared this article, and I so wanted it to be enjoyable, but the religious overtones hastily ended any possibility of that. I agree that “slut shaming” is senseless, and I do believe everyone should do much self-exploration to become as happy, fulfilled, and empathetic as possible. However, it’s rather odd that you’d expect any sort of enlightenment, progressive thinking, or general morality from a church. I’m almost too busy face palming to type.

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    1. Hey, face palm away. Just because you don’t believe in my faith (or another faith or any faith), does that make my point less meaningful?

      Thanks for stopping by. Sorry it didn’t meet your expectations.

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      1. Your religion absolutely dehumanises women! It’s so devoid of morality and reason, there is no sense in clinging to it. According to your faith, you’re not even allowed to express your opinions or share information in front of men, because you’re seen as inferior, weak, and evil by that faith. Is that really something you want to be part of? It seems to me that it speaks against your personal values, and that is a good thing. Why enslave your mind to a belief system which you find perverse? It doesn’t make any sense!

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  33. I agree, boys should take responsibility for their own thoughts. Girls also need to take responsibility for their own actions. I believe there’s a difference between your daughter wearing appropriate clothes for a dance class and girls wearing shorts that barely cover their bum and very skimpy tops, or taking photos of themselves in their underwear/skimpy p.j’s. One is appropriate and one is asking for attention. And chances are she’ll get a very particular kind of attention as a result. I don’t think girls realise how visual boys are sometimes, and it’s our job to bring both our girls and boys up to understand this and to respect themselves, and to seek the right kind of attention.
    I understand why the mum in the post you’re referring to wanted to avoid her boys seeing the girls selfie pictures in very little, and I also think she was encouraging the girls to consider how their pictures come across and the reputation it might earn them. ..

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  34. Pingback: Girlpower | Tiffani Hill-Patterson

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